Walking an hour a day: I have been walking for the last couple of weeks at least an hour a day. It is making a huge difference in my life. I have to fight with myself, or rather to stop myself from wishing I had been doing this the last 30+ years! "This" being SELF-CARE. Feeling worthy of taking care of myself as I have always tried to take care of others. Although that is a loaded topic.
Someone I had a volatile connection with, once told me that "We teach people how to treat us." and he was so right. In hindsight, we sparred because in so many ways we were the same in so many ways - broken as kids and struggling as adults. I look forward to writing here. I have been unpacking memories over the last 17 days, sorting in piles, trying to figure out how to tell my story, but I have put that off till May.
I am obsessed with a project, and making it succeed where there is only failure. I need to do it, it has been the most challenging project of my life and one that put me through boot camp in so many ways, but here I am still standing. At the bottom of my e-mail signature, and at the top of my resume ( when I had one) I always said, "Where there is a will, there is ALWAYS a way." I need to draw on that now. The end game adrenalin is kicking in and I need success, not so much for me, but for the legacy of the project itself.
349 Days to 55!
2021: The Year of I will Prevail: For the last 10 years, on December 31 the year before I decided what I would call the next year. It started with 2010: The Year of Light At the End of the Tunnel and it was! Another year was the "Year of Going Global" - and it was indeed for about 5 years. I even made a sign above my desk so I would look at these words when I needed then most. Yesterday was such a day. The shittiest day in so many ways - and I pulled through. I did not over eat, actually I stuck to my regime. I went for a walk. I uploaded to my blog. And most importantly I persevered with my failures - looking for different ways to solve them. What was amazing is that the inner critic, my inner critic was not present. I received some feedback and other years it would have "killed" me. I did not let it. To me, the only anti-depressant I take and am dependent on is sleep. I can sleep for 30 minutes or an hour and wake up with a clear head, not a depressed state. At my worst a fw years back, my doctor gave me some anti-depressants and I took one. It made me feel funny (or maybe it was all "in my hear") but I threw them away, and decided that if I would get through, I would do it with prayer. And it worked - that was my therapy, and will be for the rest of my days.
In that vein, one way or another, this year, I will prevail. Not sure which project or with whom - but 2021 is the year I will prevail in my physical and mental health - and that will be the foundation for the rest. I am so grateful for the awesome support system I have, friends, family, my mentor and a whack of people new to my life. Onward + Forward - I have been saying this for a few years. And if I look back three years and a day ago, since my twin flame left this planet, I have indeed gone onward + forward. I made someone really happy today with my art and it made me happy. More on that soon...
350 Days to 55!
DEFEATED today: I reached a low today that I haven't been to in years, within a conversation. I could feel the depression seeping in, no, not seeping in, it was like a tidal wave bashing in. And I recognized it, and acted on it. I felt defeated, a failure all over again. But I did not let it in. I phoned a friend. He set me straight. Been working all day ever since. I am so grateful to God for the strength. Not defeated. Refueled.
351 Days to 55!
Sticking to the plan: I am posting more because I need to set up habits than wanting to share. I think the fact that this is public on some level is bothering me. I can't really share and I don't want to. I think the purpose of this blog should be to create good habits and not to share my thoughts because it is difficult to share innerost thoughts openly - and I did so for many years o n FB. This is a sign of growth, albeit at 54!
352 Days to 55!
The Reality of Past Choices: I faced the past head-on today in the terms of a FICO score. Need to resolve this by my next birthday. Period.
353 Days to 55!
Standing up for JESUS: There is no stronger act of courage courage than to stand up for and with Christ as my Savior. I have been blessed with so many miracles in my life because I believe, even if I am not worthy of such blessings on my own - but through His Grace, I am. Prayer is something that has become a daily part of my routine, especially in the morning. This is a "habit" I intend to keep for life, although in the past, that was not always the case. I prayed when I needed help, and when I was fine, my prayers were more perfunctory, not with the same passion. Admitting this, I think is today's actual act of courage.
In today's secular, "cool" society, it is difficult to bring up Christ in conversation. I try, when I can, but in the last 24 hours, Jesus gave me the strength to and courage to bring up His Name. I have a very dear friend who had some issues beyond her control with a building project, and she would find out the results today. Yesterday, I offered to pray with her, for her ( when "two of more pray together" - that is in the Bible somewhere, and I would be a hypocrite if I told you, I knew exactly where). She seemed a little uncomfortable when I suggested it
but at the end of our conversation, I said casually- let me just say a little prayer, and you don't have to do anything. I told her I would just get on my knees, and I said that little prayer. She joined along somehow and said "Amen" at the end of the prayer. Today, she called me today to report the positive new she received today.
Would she have received the same news today without our prayers - possibly. Were the prayers the only reason she received the good news? Nope. There is no logical explanation. That is the beauty of faith, of believing in Christ, and leaving things in His Hands - and His will. My heart is so full of love and gratitude as I type these words. I hope that someone, sometime, will read them and they may perhaps speak to their heart.
This is not a "religious" blog - but if am to share anything of myself and my journey this year, I need to mention Christ early on. It was my friend's idea for me to write a little about our FIRST prayer together. She suggested it today, and it really touched my heart, as she had lost her discomfort. I was just a link in the chain of prayer ...
I would be remiss if I did not mention that it was my childhood friend who taught me the power of praying together many years ago. Although those prayer times have long ended, my friend who now has children of their own is still in my prayers - and always will be - despite. I am not sure what else to write, so I will just leave it at despite. In His Name - Gloria
354 Days to 55!
Need sleep and need to pray - keeping priorities: But I posted on time! I am proud of you! I say this to myself and I mean it. I am proud of the way you are making positive steps forward every day. Still battling, but it gets easier.
355 Days to 55!
Still being kind to myself: Missed the post yesterday, but too many things, and no access to laptop. All good.
356 Days to 55!
100% productivity - building from a new perspective, a new lens: (but blogging late, missed midnight by 25 minutes, but better than yesterday) I can't fit enough into the day. Sleep is the most beautiful gift. Good night!
357 Days to 55!
Gentle, Gentle: I have spent years as a self-sabateur, most of my life actually. I began at the age of six, but that is another story, for a stronger day. I have learned to be gentle with myself of late. I now know not to listen to my inner critic at night, when I am most tired and depleted of energy. Inner critic? That voice that tells you that you are not enough, you will never get it right, things are hopeless, you are "loser" and other self-defeating narratives. For years, my inner-critic's voice had the voice of others. I have banished them, and am not learning to quiet my own voice inner critic. I had a VERY productive day today. All or nothing, all the way! But ... in a gentle way!
358 Days to 55!