MARCH 31 - MISSED DAY! - as terrible a day as March 30 was AMAZING! Posting today, but not beating myself up; because I got so many slaps in the face and punches in the gut that I needed to just cope and not get all dramatic on here. Yesterday's huge ACT of courage - making it to today full of positivity!
Day 345 to 55!
Just Grateful: When we let go of things that do not serve us, others come in. Same with people. The ones that are meant to stay, stay, despite any turbulence that may also come along. The ones that are no longer supposed to be in our lives, leave and follow their path. I need to thank 6 people today that made my day so RICH and such an awesome, day full of hope and joy. ( in the order I interacted with you today)
Thank-you for the 6:38 a.m. text - made my day - and yes we will journey together to improve women's lives in Toronto and beyond. I look up to you, and you changed my life with your passion to end homelessness. Of course, I was awake, and I can't wait till our meeting next week. Excited! So grateful to you.
To the one that put up my art work in her office, did not give up on me when I wanted to give up on myself, and called me today with details of the latest opportunity. I appreciate you. You changed my life with my home and I am so excited to be able to give back. So grateful to you.
My visit with the yellow coat "girl" - how do I tell you how much your support means to me? I am so grateful that you are in my life and your insights are so en pointe . that goose bumps ripple through each chat. Looking forward to next week's session. And a lot of win-win situations. I may even get another tattoo, you inspired me with our chat today. Maybe .... but maybe not. So grateful to you.
To the really cool, brilliant, forward-thinking, cross-fit dude with whom I finished sentences for a whole year, thank you for your like-minded sentences in your e-mail of today. You once said that our differences make us stronger - and you proved that today. I am humbled and so excited to change mindsets. Pivot 221? The last one! So grateful to you.
To the most interesting man I have ever met on "the street". Albeit, the street is Avenue Road. You intrigued me even more today. The project? Maybe .... "you should be so lucky"!
And lastly (but ever so not last) to the one who the Easter Bunny dropped off the yellow bag with a purple ribbon with instructions from the Easter Bunny not to open until Sunday! Your EB e-mail made me so smile. It was not me!! I maintain this. I am not the Easter Bunny. You taught me empathy by your actions .... and making me do all those empathy maps when we met. :) I look forward to coffee again on Friday mornings at the table by the window where you changed the trajectory of my life. UNITED - by open example. So grateful to you.
Today's act of courage is to write out these blessings of today. Miracles, really, each in their own way. But the true test of courage will be to actually send this URL to them. Another act of courage for another day.
346 days to 55!
Expecting Miracles: I love words. They can cure, cajole, cripple, console and caress. I was just thinking how much I loved to type the words "expecting miracles" which is something I have done since I first really talked to God in my heart and head. I am always expecting my next miracle, yet I also look for ways to be a part of a miracle in others' lives too - maybe a small miracle, but a miracle, nonetheless.
I was about 6 years old, and walking home from Humewood Public School in Toronto where I had newly arrived from Romania with my mom and sister to join my dad. It was winter and I was wearing my "pufuletz" ( puffy coat in Romanian) and I was hurting both inside out out for I had just been beaten after school and pushed down the big snow hill that other kids had fun on. They laughed at me and hit me as they shoved me down the hill. I was six years old and had already been through so much. Eventually they left and I walked home the rest of the way. I remembered about God ( He lived in Church, I believed.... and I knew he had a Son). Even early on, I only wanted to go to the "top" - no middle managers for me, - I remember thinking that I would need to talk to GOD ( the Father, the boss. not his kid!) I later found out that the way to the Father is through the Son.
So I began my talk, and I poured out my little heart walking home. And I felt something back. A warmth, a calmness that I had never known. I see the sidewalk even now. I know exactly where I was standing. In front of the Mac's Milk looking towards our building on Raglan and seeing the above ground pool ( although I did not know what that structure was then). I think that was my first miracle, finding God, or God finding me as the broken child I was. That is when and where I got my strength, my resilience, and above all my FAITH.
This preamble, all to tell you (although I know no one is reading this) how I began believing in and expecting miracles. Today was the culmination of expecting in a rather bleak month full of all sorts of huge acts of walking in faith. I had FIVE miracles today - count them - 1,2,3,4,5! Today's act of courage is accepting the miracles that came my way today and working with them to give back. I had a conversation today that won't leave me. It opened my heart in shades of cornflower blue ( I did not even know that shade existed) and the colours of my scarf - magenta and purple. I will draw these colours as promised. Maybe it is the lack of connection during Covid, but I talked to someone today that I feel like I have been talking to all my life. I have only felt like that once before and he is gone. I better stop now. But ... I am expecting more miracles. Are you?
347 days to 55!
Resilience: Very productive day, weekend actually. Today's act of courage would be plowing through with enthusiasm, no, not enthusiasm, rather joy even when I have been totally obliterated in a matter. Empathy to the rescue.
Empathy is something I believe in and I have been on the receiving end of it for a few years now, myself. Without empathy I would not have made it to writing this blog and I will be forever grateful to a series of ANGELS not just people who have shown it to me - starting with my Mentor and ending with someone I met briefly a few weeks ago who also changed he trajectory of my life with his views on sharing his own mental health story with me and encouraging me to persevere. We met in a professional setting (not a mental health setting) , and I was so shocked and humbled when he disclosed his past mental health journey with me ( a stranger) in our conversation.
I have shown empathy pretty much all my life - but never to anyone who was someone I looked up to because I automatically assumed that their life was perfect. or at least exponentially greater than mine, so I never imagined that they would be in need of empathy ( certainly not from 'loser' me).
I have grown up these last few months, even this year, and I realize that sounds 'crazy' since I have lived far longer than half my life.
There are two people in my life now that I try to place myself in their shoes and be there for them, as they have been there for me. Today is Palm Sunday and someone who touched my heart so profoundly passed some years ago on Palm Sunday. Holy Week is here. Easter is near. Hope is near. Rebirth. Joy.
348 days to 55!
Walking an hour a day: I have been walking for the last couple of weeks at least an hour a day. It is making a huge difference in my life. I have to fight with myself, or rather to stop myself from wishing I had been doing this the last 30+ years! "This" being SELF-CARE. Feeling worthy of taking care of myself as I have always tried to take care of others. Although that is a loaded topic.
Someone I had a volatile connection with, once told me that "We teach people how to treat us." and he was so right. In hindsight, we sparred because in so many ways we were the same in so many ways - broken as kids and struggling as adults. I look forward to writing here. I have been unpacking memories over the last 17 days, sorting in piles, trying to figure out how to tell my story, but I have put that off till May.
I am obsessed with a project, and making it succeed where there is only failure. I need to do it, it has been the most challenging project of my life and one that put me through boot camp in so many ways, but here I am still standing. At the bottom of my e-mail signature, and at the top of my resume ( when I had one) I always said, "Where there is a will, there is ALWAYS a way." I need to draw on that now. The end game adrenalin is kicking in and I need success, not so much for me, but for the legacy of the project itself.
349 Days to 55!
2021: The Year of I will Prevail: For the last 10 years, on December 31 the year before I decided what I would call the next year. It started with 2010: The Year of Light At the End of the Tunnel and it was! Another year was the "Year of Going Global" - and it was indeed for about 5 years. I even made a sign above my desk so I would look at these words when I needed then most. Yesterday was such a day. The shittiest day in so many ways - and I pulled through. I did not over eat, actually I stuck to my regime. I went for a walk. I uploaded to my blog. And most importantly I persevered with my failures - looking for different ways to solve them. What was amazing is that the inner critic, my inner critic was not present. I received some feedback and other years it would have "killed" me. I did not let it. To me, the only anti-depressant I take and am dependent on is sleep. I can sleep for 30 minutes or an hour and wake up with a clear head, not a depressed state. At my worst a fw years back, my doctor gave me some anti-depressants and I took one. It made me feel funny (or maybe it was all "in my hear") but I threw them away, and decided that if I would get through, I would do it with prayer. And it worked - that was my therapy, and will be for the rest of my days.
In that vein, one way or another, this year, I will prevail. Not sure which project or with whom - but 2021 is the year I will prevail in my physical and mental health - and that will be the foundation for the rest. I am so grateful for the awesome support system I have, friends, family, my mentor and a whack of people new to my life. Onward + Forward - I have been saying this for a few years. And if I look back three years and a day ago, since my twin flame left this planet, I have indeed gone onward + forward. I made someone really happy today with my art and it made me happy. More on that soon...
350 Days to 55!
DEFEATED today: I reached a low today that I haven't been to in years, within a conversation. I could feel the depression seeping in, no, not seeping in, it was like a tidal wave bashing in. And I recognized it, and acted on it. I felt defeated, a failure all over again. But I did not let it in. I phoned a friend. He set me straight. Been working all day ever since. I am so grateful to God for the strength. Not defeated. Refueled.
351 Days to 55!
Sticking to the plan: I am posting more because I need to set up habits than wanting to share. I think the fact that this is public on some level is bothering me. I can't really share and I don't want to. I think the purpose of this blog should be to create good habits and not to share my thoughts because it is difficult to share innerost thoughts openly - and I did so for many years o n FB. This is a sign of growth, albeit at 54!
352 Days to 55!
The Reality of Past Choices: I faced the past head-on today in the terms of a FICO score. Need to resolve this by my next birthday. Period.
353 Days to 55!
Standing up for JESUS: There is no stronger act of courage courage than to stand up for and with Christ as my Savior. I have been blessed with so many miracles in my life because I believe, even if I am not worthy of such blessings on my own - but through His Grace, I am. Prayer is something that has become a daily part of my routine, especially in the morning. This is a "habit" I intend to keep for life, although in the past, that was not always the case. I prayed when I needed help, and when I was fine, my prayers were more perfunctory, not with the same passion. Admitting this, I think is today's actual act of courage.
In today's secular, "cool" society, it is difficult to bring up Christ in conversation. I try, when I can, but in the last 24 hours, Jesus gave me the strength to and courage to bring up His Name. I have a very dear friend who had some issues beyond her control with a building project, and she would find out the results today. Yesterday, I offered to pray with her, for her ( when "two of more pray together" - that is in the Bible somewhere, and I would be a hypocrite if I told you, I knew exactly where). She seemed a little uncomfortable when I suggested it
but at the end of our conversation, I said casually- let me just say a little prayer, and you don't have to do anything. I told her I would just get on my knees, and I said that little prayer. She joined along somehow and said "Amen" at the end of the prayer. Today, she called me today to report the positive new she received today.
Would she have received the same news today without our prayers - possibly. Were the prayers the only reason she received the good news? Nope. There is no logical explanation. That is the beauty of faith, of believing in Christ, and leaving things in His Hands - and His will. My heart is so full of love and gratitude as I type these words. I hope that someone, sometime, will read them and they may perhaps speak to their heart.
This is not a "religious" blog - but if am to share anything of myself and my journey this year, I need to mention Christ early on. It was my friend's idea for me to write a little about our FIRST prayer together. She suggested it today, and it really touched my heart, as she had lost her discomfort. I was just a link in the chain of prayer ...
I would be remiss if I did not mention that it was my childhood friend who taught me the power of praying together many years ago. Although those prayer times have long ended, my friend who now has children of their own is still in my prayers - and always will be - despite. I am not sure what else to write, so I will just leave it at despite. In His Name - Gloria
354 Days to 55!