He Is Risen: I did not post on Easter Sunday, not because I was depressed but because I was busy doing good things - In His Name. Praying, fasting and good deeds. Whereas Saturday was the lowest point in years, a culmination of things that just crashed about me, I forced myself to prepare things for Sunday. I was making 4 Easter meals for people in the building, as well as a mini Easter Bunny dessert table downstairs in the building. Keeping busy made things better, even when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and give in to my thoughts, but I did not. I actually had a true Easter Miracle. Last summer I met a homeless woman named Leo in my neighbourhood. She was clearly homeless, clearly clinically mentally ill and not medicated ( she spoke to herself and others, and responded) yet she had such a beauty about her as she was singing to a butterly - that is the first time I met her. I stopped and talked with her, and she allowed me to give her a small offering. I tell you that because I would see her quite a few times in the following year or so, and sometimes she refused my help. I have seen her sleeping on Yonge Street, close to Bloor, across from stores like Prada. She always had 2 two or three green Dollarama bags, full of her world.
I offered to help her get into a woman's shelter, to a hospital and she always told me now. Sometimes she let me buy her a meal, or something to drink if that is al she wanted but most times she just told me that "they" told her not to accept anything.
The last time I saw her was a day or two before New Years very late at night. I went for a walk. All I brought with me were my keys and my phone. I had no money. I was not in the best of spirits myself, and it was bitter, bitter, bitter cold. I saw her on a side street, and I had nothing to give her. I went to her and offered her my scarf, and she said "No, He will take care of me." I asked her if I could call someone and she said to me again, "No, He will take care of me." She ran down the street and I went home.
I am ashamed to tell you that it was so cold, I was glad I still had my scarf and I remember feeling very small for that. I went home, more grateful than ever and ensconced in my plush blankets, I prayed for her, for there was nothing else I could do for her. I was thinking I should have called the police, or a shelter, or 311 but she would not have stayed on that street. Many nights I thought of her during this Covid winter and prayer for her. But the last month or so, I did not think of her or prayed for her because I became engrossed in my own life.
On Sunday morning, Easter Morning, I woke up in sunshine. It was a miracle, all the depression of the day before lifted as I prepared my sweets and my meals. I needed a lettuce and I went down the road to Whole Foods, and who do I see singing at the top of her lungs ( and beautifully!) in her slightly British accented voice, but my friend Leo. She was singing to Jesus. Her coat was literally in shreds. Her 3 green Dollarama bags were on the sidewalk. She was alive! She was my Easter miracle - and I was ashamed of myself for my depression of the day before. I know I should not be, but I was. Leo is black, and has truly beautiful features. She was wearing 2 pairs of glasses, dollar store of course. She was jubilant, and I tried to speak to her and she told me to let her sing, which I did. I only had $20 cash with me to buy my two lettuces, so I asked her if I could give buy her a meal, or give her something. She looked at me, and said, "I will take your gift". And my heart soared. She was alive! I told her I had been worried about her since I last saw her in the winter, She looked at my, almost surprised and pointed up and said, "HE takes care of me." She turned her back and resumed singing. I asked her if I could take a video of her singing and she said, "Yes, but only from the back! And she added, " in this state". So I taped her singing, for my heart. I left her there, with tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat so grateful to have seen her - there was nothing more I could do for her - and I pray I see her soon.
339 Days to 55!
Still did not post. Ashamed in a way, not even a month and how many days have I missed. But hoe many days did I post? Gentle. Gentle. To myself too.
340 Days to 55!
Lowest Day in a long, long time. Survived. Plowed through.
Day 341 to 55!
Mental Health - self care day. The act of courage is to admit it and to give myself as I need.
342 days to 55!
Good Friday: My day began with the most beautiful Holy Friday e-mail from a dear, dear friend and the kindest, most compassionate good human being I have ever met. And he is also very talented aside from being a very accredited professional in his field. He is a singer, a musician and send me his new video this morning, which I will share on FB on Easter Sunday. He has helped me smile, and gave be back my smile both figuratively and literally. I began my day with that message, spoke to him after and then went to the Good Friday Service at his Church via zoom. Today's act our courage is not mine, it is the ultimate act of courage - how Jesus gave his life for us on the Cross. Thank-you Jesus. Thank-you my friend for being such a becon of goodness in my life. Good Friday, is good indeed.
343 Days to 55!
Standing UP in EMPATHY: It's really hard, but I need to learn to walk my talk and have empathy for someone who has been truly unfair with me - at least from where I stand. But, I need to put myself in their shoes, and see it from their perspective. It all comes down to self-esteem and self-esteem comes from childhood, one way or another, one extreme or another. I was crushed this morning and forced to let go, truly let go of something I loved very much. I do not know if I am in shock, or if I will try to fight for it still. Right now, I just want to leave it behind me and relinquish it to grow into success. But it hurts, I have not cried like this in years, the tears will not stop, but they are cathartic and somehow comforting, or at least , stress relieving. I feel empathy for the other party, real true empathy and they are not in a good place despite seeming to have it all. That childhood emptiness shows up still unless we cover it up with love, for ourselves - thinking we are enough, not comparing, giving kindness around us and believing that when a door closes, another opens. That is exactly what happened to me, a door slammed shut in a huge way ( think of how Trump would have said huge) at 8:30 or so and at 10 a.m. a beautiful new vista opened up before me. I was expecting both meetings but not the vast divide between them - two extremes. But what else is new? Life in Full Throttle - here I come!
344 days to 55!